Pet Bereavement

Dealing With Multi-leveled Loss

By Tanya C. Sousa

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One thing that makes grieving over a much-loved pet different from grieving a lost human loved one is the level of social acceptance and/or understanding of the emotions. American society has come a long way; at least there are now support groups, books, counselors who specialize in pet bereavement and greeting card businesses that offer condolence messages for friends and family who are hurting. Still, we have a long way to go in recognizing the pain of losing a non-human friend.

For instance, when my mother passed away from cancer, my colleagues consoled me with hugs, cards, and phone calls surrounded me with good wishes. My supervisor told me to take as many days off as I needed, and understood I wasn't functioning at full capacity when I returned. However, when my 15 year-old cat passed away from cancer, one very special coworker, who happens to raise and show Dobermans, sent me a card. One kind woman found me crying in the bathroom and offered a hug. I was never encouraged to take a day off, and after a day or two people expected me to function as usual and appeared annoyed at my occasional tears and distraction. Even some of my colleagues who adore their pets still believe, on some level, that losing a cherished cat is something to get over more quickly than a loss of another kind.

Having a pet pass on is loss on many levels. First, there is the actual physical loss of a loved one–knowing s/he will never be there again in the physical form. As important is the loss of many daily rituals and the emotional safety of having something consistent in your life. My 15 year-old cat came into my life as a kitten. I was working my way through college as a journalist and had all the topsy-turvy changes of that age. During my time with her, I lived in several different places, had different boyfriends and eventually married, graduated from college and changed vocations several times, my mother became ill and passed away, and more. One of the few constants in my life was my beautiful cat. It was intensely painful to have that ritual, routine and safety disappear.

Another piece to consider is the loss of a dream or goal. If you worked closely with your pet in the show circuit and this particular pet was beloved and a vital part of a championship at the end of the rainbow, the loss of or change in that dream or goal should not be underestimated.

A person's reaction to the loss of a pet will vary in intensity and duration based on many factors such as if s/he passed away suddenly or after a long illness, had a long full life or was young, and the nature of the connection between pet and owner. It isn't that there is less grief if the animal was older, for example, but the grief is handled differently. It is certainly the same when people die. In fact, the main difference in pet bereavement from grieving a lost person is the level of social understanding and support. The stages of grief and what we can do to move through grief successfully is the same no matter who or what the loss. The general stages of grieving are not absolute–you will not necessarily move from the first to the last in perfect order. Most people go back and forth among them, and there is no right or wrong way to feel. The generally accepted stages of grief are:

Shock/disbelief/denial
Anger
Bargaining (often with God)
Depression
Acceptance/resolution/recovery

The problem for some people who have lost a pet is that lack of social understanding and support can cause people to suppress feelings and become stuck in one or more stages instead of reaching acceptance/resolution/recovery. Bereavement counselors know support and acceptance are vital to healthy bereavement. Until social attitudes change, it is important that friends and colleagues who love animals or who are involved in the show circuit community reach out to each other in times of loss, and that grievers take some important self-care steps which can be helpful.

What Friends Can Do:

Recognize the loss with a card and/or phone call.
Be willing to offer a hug or listen passed the first few days or weeks after the loss.
Be willing to attend (or even suggest) a memorial service.
Refrain from offering information on where to get another pet, or offering to give another pet. The griever will begin his or her own search when the time is right.
If your friend isn't aware of available support systems, share any information you have.

What Grievers Can Do:

Seek out support systems (church, faith, prayer of any kind; friends and family; counseling; support groups; web sites dealing with pet bereavement including chatrooms on this topic)
Memorialize or pay tribute: Celebrate the pet's life and spirit rather than accenting the death and loss (photo display indoors; memorial garden; funeral; make a donation in pet's name; have a portrait painted; write a poem/story about your pet; create a theme quilt or scrapbook--the ideas are endless)
Volunteer for a cause related in some way to your pet.
Read articles or books on bereavement. They can help you realize you are not crazy even though it may feel like you are at moments!
Eat, sleep, and drink plenty of water. Grieving people often forget to or don't want to do these important functions.

The most important thing for everyone to remember is the word nonjudgmental. Both friends/colleagues and those suffering loss should remember that everyone shows/goes through the stages of grief differently, and depending on the circumstances of the death, may even feel relief. Understanding and acceptance goes a long way.

Tanya Sousa is a Guidance Counselor who has used pet therapy with the elderly and students K-8. She lives with her husband, 2 border collies and 3 cats in the green mountains of Vermont. She and her husband also create original pet memorial sculptures that can be found at www.natures-xpressions.com Email: naturese@together.net.

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